grace: (Default)
( Jan. 2nd, 2017 09:07 pm)
I've had this account since the first roll-out, but haven't posted until now. My plan has been (and kind of still is) to use it as a contact point for my writing endeavours.

But the final straw on LJ has prompted me to see if I could finalise the import I started way back when, which would tell me if I could feel safe enough to write here. And it worked! All those years ago, it wouldn't import post comments, which made me sad because all of the people I would lose contact with. But it worked this time! Everyone's words came over. Yay. As a permanent member of LJ, I don't know if I'm going to outright delete my stuff there, but I did want to be able to refer to it here. Done and done.

So, hi! I'm on Dreamwidth! Not sure how much I'll write here. Maybe I'll finally syphon off the things I end up deleting from FB.

Next order of business: change my danged profile pic.
grace: (swiped)
( Jun. 22nd, 2013 05:11 am)
I've had LJ logged in for a couple of weeks. I meant to post when I first opened it, but I'd had to read, first, and then I couldn't do it. Just too much emotion.

My heart went out of LJ when Heather passed. I'd somehow missed something or messed something up when my own world was doing another fall apart and had unexpectedly, abruptly been severed from her LJ right before her birthday. And then she was gone. And I felt betrayed by it. Not by Heather. But by the reliance on this medium for being connected, for mattering, for having it be a sign of truly caring.

I went back to read because it was her birthday again, and I needed to see some of her words. And then it all hit me again, fresh, because I never made myself deal with it and work through it and accept it for what it was. And all of those confused regrets flowed back up and I couldn't escape from them, couldn't slip them. So I read more. I read about other lost friends. I read my mealy-mouthing about what was really going on with me and Will. I read about myself getting far too close to an edge I had no business near. I read the words of people I'll never share a smile with again. I saw their pictures and knew we'd never share a dancefloor again.

Bitter, bitter, bitter. It made me so angry. It made me so sorrowful. I felt helpless. Here was this time of slipping away, so many things and people and hopes...and all I could do is read about it happening, powerless to stop it, knowing how bad it truly got, knowing where it would leave me. And there was no magical invocation to bring the people back. No feather-light wish to restore their sparks to this world. All of their promise, gone. All of their intentions, gone. All of their hopes...gone. Gone.

I couldn't write anything about it. What would I say? "Poor me. People died." Selfish. Misdirected. So, I've been thinking about it, instead. Thinking and thinking and thinking. Endlessly. Why would I give up the place that preserved these connections in at least some form? Why didn't it make me feel safe, anymore? Why did it not feel like a retreat? Because it felt empty and dogged at the same time. I can hear them whispering but will never be able to make out the words.

All those promises to come back and read and share. Not precisely broken, because I do read from time to time. I just very rarely comment. Too afraid that I'll make all the same mistakes again and lose what few people I'm still connected to here and elsewhere. Too afraid, in general. Like a car halfway over a cliff. I scooted out slowly and just left it teetering, better to walk away than crash to the bottom.

Melodramatic? Maybe a little. I let things build up too long. I didn't unplug this bad wiring when it was forming. There are too many layers all mixed together, now. That doesn't mean I can't eventually fix it. Just that it's going to be a lot messier and more difficult. And, facing that down, I knew I couldn't handle it in the moment that I realised all of this. Too much else going on to dedicate my attention to something simultaneously massive and petty. The massive part is unsolvable, really - the grief is deep and just has to be worked through. The pettiness...gods, haven't we done all this before in my years on here? Twice, thrice, infinity?

And that's when I was able to come back and put these words down. When I knew that I couldn't walk through the pettiness again. Like giving myself permission to just let it be. Will I, really? No idea. That's the idea of a refuge, I guess. Intentions and plans are one thing, but doing what's necessary to feel safe sometimes requires circumventing and changing those things. I just want to find my balance again, find the funny again, put words down. I have a few other places I'm writing, but none are like this. None can ever be like this. The residual energy of all of those other people is here. The lingering impressions of all I'd attempted is here.

Here. Can I stay? Will I be back? It can't matter but it has to, it seems. Oh, 5am confessions. That mix of discomfort and peace is inimitable. I needed it.
Oh, 2010, you were a weird year. One of the more challenging of my existence, and that's saying something. I believe it's obvious that I'll never forget you. Impossible.

You weren't the 2010 I'd hoped for as a youngster. There was no confirmation of easing the aging process safely and harmlessly. The oligarchy wasn't defanged. Poverty encroached further yet upon the Earth. Iniquities and extinctions ruled across the planet. Ideologies supporting violence and separation rule in greater numbers than I'd thought possible in a thinking, information-filled age.

And you weren't the 2010 I'd hoped for at the end of 2009, either. You were a complete surprise from end to end. One stunning twist after another.

But here we are on the anniversary of a sneaking suspicion having gained credence: in a few hours, I'll mark the moment when a friend's shared champagne couldn't be swallowed past a couple of lucky sips, and a Solstice fancy of feeling "occupied" met up with a little chronological math. 2009 ended with the marvelous and frightening possibility that I was pregnant. 2010 ends with the undeniable proof of that intuition wriggling or sweetly slumbering never more than a few feet away.

So, I'm biased. It wasn't an altogether bad year. A big year, certainly. A catalytic year, absolutely. The essence of trying, undoubtedly. Not a bad year, though.

Could have been better, and, for me, most of those were ultimately (or could have been) within my control.

Which brings me to 2011. Everyone's discovered your eye-pleasing Roman rendition: MMXI, but I've decided to call you "Eleventy", 2011. I think you've got some real potential. I'm looking forward to you. I've got hopes. You know my policy on real hope, I'm sure: don't have any. It prevents disappointment. Like expectations. Drop 'em. That's my usual motto, anyway. This year, though, I'm going to reclaim the right to truly have hopes and expectations, and I'm going to have them only for and toward myself...and my sweet infant daughter, Tabatha. Her existence gives me the power to hold hope and expectation for us in my heart. I will do all I can to be worthy of her birth and my rebirth.

Here's what I'm certain of, so far:
We're going to lose some people. I don't want that to be so, but it's going to happen. So I need to be regular with my gratitude and communication, as I don't want to lose anyone without their knowing they were loved and valued. We can't bet on one moment over another, so it's best to be prepared for loss from the start by making the most of presence in the here and now.

I'm going to be kinder to my body by making the choices that allow it to heal and thrive. I'm going to challenge it and reward it. I have a whole other person who will be relying upon me to be fit and ready for all of life's joys and emergencies. I can't respond and participate if I'm trapped by old pain and self-hate. Time to let go. She won't be able to understand excuses, and I don't want to give them to her. And I deserve it. I've come so close to that moment of relief and freedom. Time to give it to myself, utterly. The best gift ever.

Whatever hard thing I have to do in order to make us safe in this changing world, whatever choices and actions are necessary to give us a stable foundation, I'm going to do my very best to achieve it. Failure is just a chance to try again for success. Maybe I have to learn a different way to accomplish everything. That type of discovery is what this whole year will be about.

Forgive & seek forgiveness without being a pathetic doormat.

Don't just be creative: DO creative. More. Finish. It's hard with a little one, but it's possible. Reach. It will be worth it.

And that's it.

Bring it on, 2011. I'm looking forward to meeting you.
Oh, 2010, you were a weird year. One of the more challenging of my existence, and that's saying something. I believe it's obvious that I'll never forget you. Impossible.

You weren't the 2010 I'd hoped for as a youngster. There was no confirmation of easing the aging process safely and harmlessly. The oligarchy wasn't defanged. Poverty encroached further yet upon the Earth. Iniquities and extinctions ruled across the planet. Ideologies supporting violence and separation rule in greater numbers than I'd thought possible in a thinking, information-filled age.

And you weren't the 2010 I'd hoped for at the end of 2009, either. You were a complete surprise from end to end. One stunning twist after another.

But here we are on the anniversary of a sneaking suspicion having gained credence: in a few hours, I'll mark the moment when a friend's shared champagne couldn't be swallowed past a couple of lucky sips, and a Solstice fancy of feeling "occupied" met up with a little chronological math. 2009 ended with the marvelous and frightening possibility that I was pregnant. 2010 ends with the undeniable proof of that intuition wriggling or sweetly slumbering never more than a few feet away.

So, I'm biased. It wasn't an altogether bad year. A big year, certainly. A catalytic year, absolutely. The essence of trying, undoubtedly. Not a bad year, though.

Could have been better, and, for me, most of those were ultimately (or could have been) within my control.

Which brings me to 2011. Everyone's discovered your eye-pleasing Roman rendition: MMXI, but I've decided to call you "Eleventy", 2011. I think you've got some real potential. I'm looking forward to you. I've got hopes. You know my policy on real hope, I'm sure: don't have any. It prevents disappointment. Like expectations. Drop 'em. That's my usual motto, anyway. This year, though, I'm going to reclaim the right to truly have hopes and expectations, and I'm going to have them only for and toward myself...and my sweet infant daughter, Tabatha. Her existence gives me the power to hold hope and expectation for us in my heart. I will do all I can to be worthy of her birth and my rebirth.

Here's what I'm certain of, so far:
We're going to lose some people. I don't want that to be so, but it's going to happen. So I need to be regular with my gratitude and communication, as I don't want to lose anyone without their knowing they were loved and valued. We can't bet on one moment over another, so it's best to be prepared for loss from the start by making the most of presence in the here and now.

I'm going to be kinder to my body by making the choices that allow it to heal and thrive. I'm going to challenge it and reward it. I have a whole other person who will be relying upon me to be fit and ready for all of life's joys and emergencies. I can't respond and participate if I'm trapped by old pain and self-hate. Time to let go. She won't be able to understand excuses, and I don't want to give them to her. And I deserve it. I've come so close to that moment of relief and freedom. Time to give it to myself, utterly. The best gift ever.

Whatever hard thing I have to do in order to make us safe in this changing world, whatever choices and actions are necessary to give us a stable foundation, I'm going to do my very best to achieve it. Failure is just a chance to try again for success. Maybe I have to learn a different way to accomplish everything. That type of discovery is what this whole year will be about.

Forgive & seek forgiveness without being a pathetic doormat.

Don't just be creative: DO creative. More. Finish. It's hard with a little one, but it's possible. Reach. It will be worth it.

And that's it.

Bring it on, 2011. I'm looking forward to meeting you.
First View of Mom

I'd like you to meet our daughter, Tabatha Briar Magdalena Cawood McKelvy-Weaver. Yep, that's a long name.

She was born at 8:20am on 8/20, weighing 8#, 2oz and measuring at 19". Her eyes are currently indigo (great pic available if you click above and look through set), so they could end up any colour at all. Her hair is dark brown mixed with gold and is very curly, but we aren't sure how much of the current colour will hold since the first cap often falls out. She has the full complement of all appendages and digits and was incredibly lusty from the beginning. She scored well on the APGAR. I was delighted to discover she still had some of the downy fur covering her skin, as it's not always present on full-term babies.

After 2hrs of sleep, we woke up ready to jump right to the hospital and I was surprised to note that I was having contractions. Like preparing for labour contractions. Seems she was intent on arriving before the weekend was out, either way. Kinda neat that I at least got to feel a few of those as part of the experience.

Surgery went incredibly well, even with all attendant moments of anxiety, discomfort, and downright fear. The team was amazing. I was talked through every little part of every single procedure, which helped immensely. They were all jazzed that the gender was a surprise, each informing new arrivals joyfully, so that everyone was holding their breath when the doctor pulled her forth.

Being closed up was the worst part of the whole thing. Spinal was second worst. Getting IV in was third. Every one of them were worth it, though. Completely worth it. Every moment, every pain, all of it.

We had visitors. I'll go into that later, since stories longer than I can type on right now are involved. Pretty much all sweetness and happy surprises. A teensy bit of drama, but, you know, that's to be expected, eh?

She's beautiful. Very aware. Cuddly. Ours. Loved.

Thanks for all of the support, literal and figurative. I know for a fact every bit of it helped make this the wonder that it is, and my gratitude is endless for the kindness shown.
First View of Mom

I'd like you to meet our daughter, Tabatha Briar Magdalena Cawood McKelvy-Weaver. Yep, that's a long name.

She was born at 8:20am on 8/20, weighing 8#, 2oz and measuring at 19". Her eyes are currently indigo (great pic available if you click above and look through set), so they could end up any colour at all. Her hair is dark brown mixed with gold and is very curly, but we aren't sure how much of the current colour will hold since the first cap often falls out. She has the full complement of all appendages and digits and was incredibly lusty from the beginning. She scored well on the APGAR. I was delighted to discover she still had some of the downy fur covering her skin, as it's not always present on full-term babies.

After 2hrs of sleep, we woke up ready to jump right to the hospital and I was surprised to note that I was having contractions. Like preparing for labour contractions. Seems she was intent on arriving before the weekend was out, either way. Kinda neat that I at least got to feel a few of those as part of the experience.

Surgery went incredibly well, even with all attendant moments of anxiety, discomfort, and downright fear. The team was amazing. I was talked through every little part of every single procedure, which helped immensely. They were all jazzed that the gender was a surprise, each informing new arrivals joyfully, so that everyone was holding their breath when the doctor pulled her forth.

Being closed up was the worst part of the whole thing. Spinal was second worst. Getting IV in was third. Every one of them were worth it, though. Completely worth it. Every moment, every pain, all of it.

We had visitors. I'll go into that later, since stories longer than I can type on right now are involved. Pretty much all sweetness and happy surprises. A teensy bit of drama, but, you know, that's to be expected, eh?

She's beautiful. Very aware. Cuddly. Ours. Loved.

Thanks for all of the support, literal and figurative. I know for a fact every bit of it helped make this the wonder that it is, and my gratitude is endless for the kindness shown.
grace: (Baltasar)
( Apr. 13th, 2010 01:09 pm)
[For those who said the other one was too long to share, here's a better set of ads which link to CL; our deepest gratitude to [livejournal.com profile] aeryn42 for 1) adopting the sweet Grey Tabby (now known as "Ping Pong") and 2) getting updated snapshots of the other kittens!]


Feral mama cat & tame kittens need homes ASAP! Please, please spread the word - they're all extremely ready to be in new surroundings! RESCUES are welcome to contact us!

Pics & details in craigslist ads:
Wild Queen Mab
Brown Tabby Girl
Cream Tabby Boy

[ETA: the little calico went to her new home this evening! she's going to be an indoor/outdoor kitty in the country and it seems like she'll be well loved. good luck, lil Ewok!]
Tags:
Anyone here willing to foster/adopt a feral cat?

We call her Wild Queen Mab )

If not, perhaps you'd consider a kitten or two?

Wild Queen Mab's Motley Brood )

Maybe you could help some other way? )

A video (takes a bit to load; sorry!) from when they were much younger (complete with inaccurate sexing!). We don't have a camera and the vidcam quit soon after that video was made, unfortunately.

All are available for visits 10am-8pm on Saturday, 12am-6pm Sunday, and as convenient during the week. Leave a comment or email me (jgmckelvy, gmail) to set up appointments &/or get more info on anything.

Details on how they came to stay with us... )

Re-post/share this anywhere you like - any good people who want to give a great home to deserving kitties are welcome to inquire!
Tags:
grace: (eggfish)
»

...

( Jan. 10th, 2010 01:55 am)
Yes+
grace: (eggfish)
»

...

( Jan. 10th, 2010 01:55 am)
Yes+
Living Dead Dolls
(1st owner; opened but complete; dolls & accessories are in excellent condition; coffins/tissue vary from poor to very good condition for opened; pics of everything included for each doll; prices are negotiable!)
16 singles from Series 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 10, & 11; 2 Exclusives; 3 Ltd. Ed. 2pks )
[x-posted to: [livejournal.com profile] austinforsale, [livejournal.com profile] livingdeaddolls, Craigslist, LDD boards, FaceBook, my journal]
Tags:
I know I left folks hanging on how the rest of Rachel's visit went, but it was a bit weird (of course) and everything else needs my attention a bit more. I've got pics to go through, still, so there's bound to be more on it before the end of the week.

Right now, though, I'm wanting to put down some of the ponders I've had today on everything going on and what has been good about it. LTDI denial, UI wait, Will's situation, expensive piece of junk in driveway, daily needs threatened...it's a lot to keep in mind all the time, especially since I have to keep working on all of it. No time to forget what's going on, no ability to convince myself otherwise. Which is good. Ignoring, avoiding, and denying challenges and problems just makes things worse.

So, good things. Enumerating them makes everything shine with a different light. This is long, but I'm not going to cut. I apologise but I'm not sorry, if that makes sense. I hope after reading you can understand why I'd choose to go back to that approach for this.

The incandescent souls from Seattle have been such a deep comfort in all of this. There are only a few of you remaining to me, but your love, support, and tough words have kept me on my feet and ready to fight. And I just found out today Cheryl and Jordan are going to come visit some time around X-mas, which sent today's mood on a happy tangent. I miss all of you so, so, so much. Thank you for calling, for being there when I call, for understanding how much I suck at phone, for sharing your lives, for being who you are, for everything that is YOU. One day soon I'll be able to help you, to be more of an active friend, to be less of a scared tree critter peeking out between the leaves ever so often.

My TX peoples, folks who know the tradition of matter-of-fact but gentle handling of this kind of chaos, folks who have little patience for those who give up, people who know what can be accomplished if you just stick to it and understand that I have the same values. Not that this is absent in others! It's just a special flavour, a specific touch, that sends it all home in a way that nothing else can. Texan mind meld. Brilliant LJ minds and the lucky associations I have here in person. That almost-Southern insistence on doing the right thing, taking care of your business...it keeps me moving. I have a family of neighbours, people who rely on me to help them and make me allow others to help me in return. It's a small family but a tight one. They get me through more than I can even begin to explain.

And there are so many people who have given me inspiration, comfort, and direction in states and countries I've never even visited, friends whom I've never seen in person, people who have taken a moment from their own lives to be kind to a virtual stranger. One day, one day, one day - all of you are in that, too. It seems remote sometimes, it might even seem like just words to some of you, but I mean it with all my heart, I mean it and have the lists to prove it ;]

Over the course of every plate crashing to the ground, I've learned that I'm never alone. People can say what they will about the whole world being evil and no good people remaining, but they are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. My heart is restored on a moment by moment basis by other human beings, people who know how hard this world is and will reach out their hand to help. We are never alone. You are never alone. Someone out there will have a hand waiting to help you pull yourself back up. I promise.

My time is limited by responsibility and the heavy workload of recovery, but I am using every spare moment to build a pile of thanks to everyone who has helped to instill this in me. I am looking forward, also, to the months ahead when everything is more settled (it will be, oh, do not doubt it my sweet silver linings, do not doubt it - it will be), a time when these lists of mine will go into play, when I can increase the love and appreciation to the people who have linked their arms and protected me when it seemed nothing ever could and no one ever would.

I know I go on and on about all of you, I know it, but you have to know I have never in my entire life had such an experience of kindness from other people, such an amazing revelation about the world's potential for good through humanity. It is an epiphany building like a symphony and this orchestra of hearts and minds built by all of you is the sweetest and most divine music I have ever heard. The song formed from your selfless love, understanding, and encouragement is the true song of the Universe. It blows my mind that all of you exist and can do the things you do. I didn't know you were out there. It has taken me years to overcome the blindness of my cynicism, the blackout shade of doubt and fear pulled over me by so many evil people and hard circumstances.

To hell with everything else. I can do it. We can all survive more than we think we can if we just keep that choir of friendship reverberating as we battle to correct course and recover from unexpected tumbles. You will be the song in my heart when I walk five miles to fix one more thing. You will be the tune on my lips when I push through the exhaustion of challenge to overcome those obstacles. I'll be drumming the beat of your chorus with every pulse of my heart when I wake up each morning and know - KNOW - I can still fight.

I'll stand by you, you can lean on me, you'll always get a little (++++) help from me, and I will never, ever, ever let you down in anything I have any power at all over. And I'm learning I've got more power over a lot more than I'd been led to believe.

There will be a party, and you're all the guests of honour. That's a promise.
Tags:
I know I left folks hanging on how the rest of Rachel's visit went, but it was a bit weird (of course) and everything else needs my attention a bit more. I've got pics to go through, still, so there's bound to be more on it before the end of the week.

Right now, though, I'm wanting to put down some of the ponders I've had today on everything going on and what has been good about it. LTDI denial, UI wait, Will's situation, expensive piece of junk in driveway, daily needs threatened...it's a lot to keep in mind all the time, especially since I have to keep working on all of it. No time to forget what's going on, no ability to convince myself otherwise. Which is good. Ignoring, avoiding, and denying challenges and problems just makes things worse.

So, good things. Enumerating them makes everything shine with a different light. This is long, but I'm not going to cut. I apologise but I'm not sorry, if that makes sense. I hope after reading you can understand why I'd choose to go back to that approach for this.

The incandescent souls from Seattle have been such a deep comfort in all of this. There are only a few of you remaining to me, but your love, support, and tough words have kept me on my feet and ready to fight. And I just found out today Cheryl and Jordan are going to come visit some time around X-mas, which sent today's mood on a happy tangent. I miss all of you so, so, so much. Thank you for calling, for being there when I call, for understanding how much I suck at phone, for sharing your lives, for being who you are, for everything that is YOU. One day soon I'll be able to help you, to be more of an active friend, to be less of a scared tree critter peeking out between the leaves ever so often.

My TX peoples, folks who know the tradition of matter-of-fact but gentle handling of this kind of chaos, folks who have little patience for those who give up, people who know what can be accomplished if you just stick to it and understand that I have the same values. Not that this is absent in others! It's just a special flavour, a specific touch, that sends it all home in a way that nothing else can. Texan mind meld. Brilliant LJ minds and the lucky associations I have here in person. That almost-Southern insistence on doing the right thing, taking care of your business...it keeps me moving. I have a family of neighbours, people who rely on me to help them and make me allow others to help me in return. It's a small family but a tight one. They get me through more than I can even begin to explain.

And there are so many people who have given me inspiration, comfort, and direction in states and countries I've never even visited, friends whom I've never seen in person, people who have taken a moment from their own lives to be kind to a virtual stranger. One day, one day, one day - all of you are in that, too. It seems remote sometimes, it might even seem like just words to some of you, but I mean it with all my heart, I mean it and have the lists to prove it ;]

Over the course of every plate crashing to the ground, I've learned that I'm never alone. People can say what they will about the whole world being evil and no good people remaining, but they are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. My heart is restored on a moment by moment basis by other human beings, people who know how hard this world is and will reach out their hand to help. We are never alone. You are never alone. Someone out there will have a hand waiting to help you pull yourself back up. I promise.

My time is limited by responsibility and the heavy workload of recovery, but I am using every spare moment to build a pile of thanks to everyone who has helped to instill this in me. I am looking forward, also, to the months ahead when everything is more settled (it will be, oh, do not doubt it my sweet silver linings, do not doubt it - it will be), a time when these lists of mine will go into play, when I can increase the love and appreciation to the people who have linked their arms and protected me when it seemed nothing ever could and no one ever would.

I know I go on and on about all of you, I know it, but you have to know I have never in my entire life had such an experience of kindness from other people, such an amazing revelation about the world's potential for good through humanity. It is an epiphany building like a symphony and this orchestra of hearts and minds built by all of you is the sweetest and most divine music I have ever heard. The song formed from your selfless love, understanding, and encouragement is the true song of the Universe. It blows my mind that all of you exist and can do the things you do. I didn't know you were out there. It has taken me years to overcome the blindness of my cynicism, the blackout shade of doubt and fear pulled over me by so many evil people and hard circumstances.

To hell with everything else. I can do it. We can all survive more than we think we can if we just keep that choir of friendship reverberating as we battle to correct course and recover from unexpected tumbles. You will be the song in my heart when I walk five miles to fix one more thing. You will be the tune on my lips when I push through the exhaustion of challenge to overcome those obstacles. I'll be drumming the beat of your chorus with every pulse of my heart when I wake up each morning and know - KNOW - I can still fight.

I'll stand by you, you can lean on me, you'll always get a little (++++) help from me, and I will never, ever, ever let you down in anything I have any power at all over. And I'm learning I've got more power over a lot more than I'd been led to believe.

There will be a party, and you're all the guests of honour. That's a promise.
Tags:
It's time - past time - to really, really, really let go of the damage and move on. All of it. From anyone.

If I'm really going to be a survivor, I've got to leave my arm under that rock and walk away.

Bye, arm.

(couldn't sleep, had to get that out...now I try again)
It's time - past time - to really, really, really let go of the damage and move on. All of it. From anyone.

If I'm really going to be a survivor, I've got to leave my arm under that rock and walk away.

Bye, arm.

(couldn't sleep, had to get that out...now I try again)
.