Batmonkey's Curio

Update. It is here. Here it is. It's for you! Well, any yous for whom it holds any interest at all, of course. There's gotta be someone seeing this and going "giclée & cackles! the no updates updates will stop! peace in the land!" and that's okay, too.

I'm not short-winded in my brain, and becoming less so in my body. We'll get to the latter later, but if my decision to write naturally in the moment excludes you in any way, reframing to fit your receptors is an option. What I'm saying is: I choose the words and how they're strung together on purpose; if you need or prefer the Hemingway version, just say so.

TLDR: this is not a summary in bullets even when I'm using lists. I can break stuff down or use plainer language if anyone would like that, instead.

Invariably, some of this will change immediately after I get this out, so what's true right now may not stay that way. Fingers crossed on the good and flipped at the bad. I know the times we're living through are top of mind for nearly all of us, so let's leave that in the peripheral and stick to the personal.

#1: We're still comfortably safe in Kirkland. We've been here almost 5yrs (6/21/21). Between our own efforts, community, and loved ones, we're halfway through the decade needed to recover from a single serious blow to stability. This is very rare and my awareness is permanently cranked to maximum gratitude. If you take nothing else away from this, that's the ultimate gist and all that really matters.

And I should note up top that the household is down to one vehicle, so we can still do some things requiring driving but more coordination is needed and sometimes the schedules just don't mesh. We make it work out very nicely, honestly.

But why stop there?

Ciaran (he/him/his or she/her/hers). 15.75yrs! As you may have seen, growing those curls out a bit. Over 5'4" - I've won the bet I made with her original pediatrician and father the first time we went through the growth chart forecast. Rocking an eclectically masc identity up here in freedom land.

Just 3 short weeks left of completing a full school year for the first time since 2020. So much progress. We had been so worried that catching up would be impossible, but due to a wild collection of synchronicities the perfect solution was found and has been an actual factual life changer. Thanks to a limited private support source, he's been attending a school specifically engineered to support who she is and how he learns best. Based on the current arrangements and work, she's on track to graduate with his original cohort (2028). The glee in our hearts as this has continued to become more and more true over the course of the year is difficult to shape with words. Whatever ends up happening, this has been good for him in ways we can't even perceive yet.

Ciaran was briefly in a choir but there was a too-much-ness that required stepping back. It'll stay an option for the future, it sounds like. Love hearing him sing. She's been learning guitar since this semester and that's another delightful sound to my heart. It's an electric guitar I hunted down for free, no amp, but works for learning all the same. He can play part of "Ode to Joy"!

She's very eager to start working. And learning to drive. He volunteered in Norwescon's registration lines again this year and received many commendations of appreciation. And so many other things that seemed out of reach just a couple of years ago. I'll get into more detail on this some other time. Simply, it's huge to be at this point after/during everything. She went to prom! The school does an all high school grades version that ended up being a splendid outing for him. Loved helping her build the outfit at thrift & discount stores. Still knows exactly what he wants, ever since the tiniest days. I wish y'all could see how cool her room is.

Kitties! Ours first. Alastor the Magnificent has settled down into his adulthood, still giving hugs and tummy rubs, working on a friendship with Juni in between chase and pounce battles, and one of the biggest cats I've ever met. Not fluffy or bulky, just a big guy. Healthy and sweet, he's 3yrs old (along with his sisters).

Junipurr is a piquant lil pastry of a cat. She's generally super cuddly and people oriented, but sometimes gets a lil sharp and crazy. Adores playing fetch and chasing random sparkles of light. She's brave and dominant with Alastor, dubious and wary of Daphne, and terrified of Selene (sadly). Her favorite things are digging sleeping caves into blankets and ekking at the world from our treehouse-like window.

Cherie's kitties, Daphne and Selene, are both sassy, glossy ladies who are constantly in shenanigans when they're not being cuddle bugs or delivering fatal doses of cuteness. Daphne completely recovered from that horrible illness a couple years ago, and Selene truly is a perma-kitten...except for her un-kitten-like drive to rule the world at clawpoint. She's adorable while doing it, though!

Kytte's Sir Chewsalot is the source of sweet chirps, heartfelt songs, and a host of sweet pics with the very occasional in person sighting.

Housemates, aka housies, bka Cherie & Kytte, are grown folks who can tell y'all about themselves. But I can say this is the most functional communal cohabitation arrangement I've ever participated in, and they give me wide swathes of tolerance I've rarely experienced in such steady volume. I want to always take care of them.

I'm not going to hit the living space and environs this time. It's a whole other thing with pics and suchlike.

Me? Is that where we are, now? I guess so! Holy carp and sacred monkeys, I did a bunch of stuff and got some answers. Bye.

Haha, no, why would I do that? That'd be a crazy thing to start doing now after all these years.

I'm 55! My hair is almost totally grey on the sides and forelock. I've got some excellent facial lines going! I can stand 10x longer than when I first got up here! Other stuff is working less well but I'm focusing on the goodness! I'm still Queer, still not cis, and still have fun in a bit of femme drag ever so often.

Brain: better! Been many years since I felt this settled in my psyche. Not wholly, still working out some wiring and gremlins, but such an improvement from where I had us, a tattered vessel askew in traitorous, treacherous, wreckage-strewn waters.

1. Vitamin D - got it to a normal level and maintain diligently; far more important than I ever realized; the difference is astonishing when I reflect on crossing a significant line vs. brain fog and other ill ease and marvel daily at waking up free of it, still. I felt doomed to decline in so many ways, and losing the ability to think was the worst of them all. Reversed.

2. Therapeutic lighting - wild how effective this has been in mood management and clear thinking. Windows are amazing and such a privilege, but I've also found that the commonly recommended light-box style lamps and led plant light arrays go a long way on their own. I got two of the former for free so one's in my room all year and the other goes up during The Big Dark in another common space downstairs. The latter are in a high-traffic room with a heap of plants, which is double soothing. I'm about to go on another privilege tear so moving on.

3. Sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLEEEP!!!!!!!! I regret every delay I ever made in getting this sorted. Not perfect, but the amount better it is truly blows my mind with how effective and truly necessary it is. I've been on a C-PAP for around a year now, I think, and it has been worth every bit of adjustment I've had to make for it to work. I've also had to accept that part of my current situation is just taking some damn naps, sometimes more than seems reasonable. But also time management and life participation has had immediate benefits from just this. I also was granted the extraordinary blessing of a superior sleeping surface that has improved almost all the rest of the sleep-stealing bothers. I believe this one thing could lead to true social satisfaction in a functional civilization.

4. Meds - I mean, yeah, but I can say they are firmly not the top help because various glitches made it necessary to reach for other tools a few times and that was some good learning. And I got it narrowed down to only the truly helpful, which is a relief to me. I did the un-med thing for so long and glad I have a good baseline to compare the difference.

5. Therapy - good matches were finally made, allowing unpeeling and clarifying and detoxing and all that good stuff. We did family therapy for a bit. It helped us with POV and communication differences immensely. We'll go back to it eventually, but right now we're delving deeper into the personal.

Body: I have one! I'm ecstatically grateful it still does stuff! There are some things it can't do, and not all of that is permanent. Got so many answers. Getting pissed off at being miserable and holding the line on getting answers has been the biggest confidence boost of almost everything from the past few years.

A. There is nothing wrong with any organ in my body except for my liver. Period. I mean, the PCOS thing affects organs to a degree, but that's chemistry and different. Liver. That's it. Not pancreas. Not guts, nothing else. Main solution is a way of eating closest to the Mediterranean Diet with a bit more attentiveness to certain aspects. I'm good with it.

B. My race against losing more mobility reached a nadir last summer: the last of the cartilage in the infamous R. knee ground away and boy howdy does every shred of that stuff matter. Now I'm heading for a total knee replacement (TKR) as soon as I'm at a surgically safe body condition, although we're leaving the door open for sooner if my current ability to push along evaporates. He's a good surgeon. L. ankle/foot has a situation that might also be surgically adjusted, but we're crossing our fingers. L. hip and lower spine will get some attention later this year, with physiotherapy coming up.

C. Upper extremities are a mixed bag of hassles. R. wrist - chronically broken for decades, apparently + advanced carpal tunnel = another surgery on the docket. BUT let me tell you this has the potential of improving quality of life a hundred fold because this is becoming a real fucking issue. Shoulder problems are just regular ol' osteoarthritis with some nerve damage. Neck is a combo of skeletal and nerve injuries tag teaming. Fingers are also OA. Typing is a pain, writing is a pain, etc. Gotta keep moving, though, so all I can hope is the steps I'm doing now will lead to either less pain and more range of motion down the road or at least delaying an increase.

D. Otherwise, there's some stuff I'm still holding onto while details are worked out. And the rest is muscle & nerve stuff, which can only really get better if I keep working on all of the above, so no need to dig in.

Maybe it goes without saying, but the ball is now formally rolling for disability through Social Security.

The fully remote part-time job with the non-profit who does multi-lingual books with cultural relevance to the populations they support is still a thing. Keep hanging with it through a variety of interruptions on both sides. Hopefully this last delay caused by the machine situation will be the last one for a while so I can focus and churn results out for a while.

Writing. Planning. Have a schedule to post like I promised. Not giving up on ideas and passions. The past year has had a remarkable number of positive life experiences and I intend to keep that flowing. Praise and thanks to the shining souls who have been part of &/or the reason for many of the most incredible moments.

Wherever I end up posting this, thank you for finding me here. The way they keep our cosmos in flux makes it difficult, complicated, and other things we're sick of things being. We're likely both out of the loop with each other, and I hope you'll forgive it being so, both the assumption and if that's our actual status, because having access to your reality in whatever way you choose is an honor I don't take lightly and I'd rather not be out of touch with you. Most of you. Catching up would be a relief if not a treat. Online, in person, text, call - sincerely welcome.

<3, G.

whoooeee I used some words a lot in here. tickled "good" is one of them.

I've had this account since the first roll-out, but haven't posted until now. My plan has been (and kind of still is) to use it as a contact point for my writing endeavours.

But the final straw on LJ has prompted me to see if I could finalise the import I started way back when, which would tell me if I could feel safe enough to write here. And it worked! All those years ago, it wouldn't import post comments, which made me sad because all of the people I would lose contact with. But it worked this time! Everyone's words came over. Yay. As a permanent member of LJ, I don't know if I'm going to outright delete my stuff there, but I did want to be able to refer to it here. Done and done.

So, hi! I'm on Dreamwidth! Not sure how much I'll write here. Maybe I'll finally syphon off the things I end up deleting from FB.

Next order of business: change my danged profile pic.

Oh, 2010, you were a weird year. One of the more challenging of my existence, and that's saying something. I believe it's obvious that I'll never forget you. Impossible.

You weren't the 2010 I'd hoped for as a youngster. There was no confirmation of easing the aging process safely and harmlessly. The oligarchy wasn't defanged. Poverty encroached further yet upon the Earth. Iniquities and extinctions ruled across the planet. Ideologies supporting violence and separation rule in greater numbers than I'd thought possible in a thinking, information-filled age.

And you weren't the 2010 I'd hoped for at the end of 2009, either. You were a complete surprise from end to end. One stunning twist after another.

But here we are on the anniversary of a sneaking suspicion having gained credence: in a few hours, I'll mark the moment when a friend's shared champagne couldn't be swallowed past a couple of lucky sips, and a Solstice fancy of feeling "occupied" met up with a little chronological math. 2009 ended with the marvelous and frightening possibility that I was pregnant. 2010 ends with the undeniable proof of that intuition wriggling or sweetly slumbering never more than a few feet away.

So, I'm biased. It wasn't an altogether bad year. A big year, certainly. A catalytic year, absolutely. The essence of trying, undoubtedly. Not a bad year, though.

Could have been better, and, for me, most of those were ultimately (or could have been) within my control.

Which brings me to 2011. Everyone's discovered your eye-pleasing Roman rendition: MMXI, but I've decided to call you "Eleventy", 2011. I think you've got some real potential. I'm looking forward to you. I've got hopes. You know my policy on real hope, I'm sure: don't have any. It prevents disappointment. Like expectations. Drop 'em. That's my usual motto, anyway. This year, though, I'm going to reclaim the right to truly have hopes and expectations, and I'm going to have them only for and toward myself...and my sweet infant daughter, Tabatha. Her existence gives me the power to hold hope and expectation for us in my heart. I will do all I can to be worthy of her birth and my rebirth.

Here's what I'm certain of, so far:
We're going to lose some people. I don't want that to be so, but it's going to happen. So I need to be regular with my gratitude and communication, as I don't want to lose anyone without their knowing they were loved and valued. We can't bet on one moment over another, so it's best to be prepared for loss from the start by making the most of presence in the here and now.

I'm going to be kinder to my body by making the choices that allow it to heal and thrive. I'm going to challenge it and reward it. I have a whole other person who will be relying upon me to be fit and ready for all of life's joys and emergencies. I can't respond and participate if I'm trapped by old pain and self-hate. Time to let go. She won't be able to understand excuses, and I don't want to give them to her. And I deserve it. I've come so close to that moment of relief and freedom. Time to give it to myself, utterly. The best gift ever.

Whatever hard thing I have to do in order to make us safe in this changing world, whatever choices and actions are necessary to give us a stable foundation, I'm going to do my very best to achieve it. Failure is just a chance to try again for success. Maybe I have to learn a different way to accomplish everything. That type of discovery is what this whole year will be about.

Forgive & seek forgiveness without being a pathetic doormat.

Don't just be creative: DO creative. More. Finish. It's hard with a little one, but it's possible. Reach. It will be worth it.

And that's it.

Bring it on, 2011. I'm looking forward to meeting you.

I'd like you to meet our daughter, Tabatha Briar Magdalena Cawood McKelvy-Weaver. Yep, that's a long name.

She was born at 8:20am on 8/20, weighing 8#, 2oz and measuring at 19". Her eyes are currently indigo (great pic available if you click above and look through set), so they could end up any colour at all. Her hair is dark brown mixed with gold and is very curly, but we aren't sure how much of the current colour will hold since the first cap often falls out. She has the full complement of all appendages and digits and was incredibly lusty from the beginning. She scored well on the APGAR. I was delighted to discover she still had some of the downy fur covering her skin, as it's not always present on full-term babies.

After 2hrs of sleep, we woke up ready to jump right to the hospital and I was surprised to note that I was having contractions. Like preparing for labour contractions. Seems she was intent on arriving before the weekend was out, either way. Kinda neat that I at least got to feel a few of those as part of the experience.

Surgery went incredibly well, even with all attendant moments of anxiety, discomfort, and downright fear. The team was amazing. I was talked through every little part of every single procedure, which helped immensely. They were all jazzed that the gender was a surprise, each informing new arrivals joyfully, so that everyone was holding their breath when the doctor pulled her forth.

Being closed up was the worst part of the whole thing. Spinal was second worst. Getting IV in was third. Every one of them were worth it, though. Completely worth it. Every moment, every pain, all of it.

We had visitors. I'll go into that later, since stories longer than I can type on right now are involved. Pretty much all sweetness and happy surprises. A teensy bit of drama, but, you know, that's to be expected, eh?

She's beautiful. Very aware. Cuddly. Ours. Loved.

Thanks for all of the support, literal and figurative. I know for a fact every bit of it helped make this the wonder that it is, and my gratitude is endless for the kindness shown.

[For those who said the other one was too long to share, here's a better set of ads which link to CL; our deepest gratitude to aeryn42 for 1) adopting the sweet Grey Tabby (now known as "Ping Pong") and 2) getting updated snapshots of the other kittens!]


Feral mama cat & tame kittens need homes ASAP! Please, please spread the word - they're all extremely ready to be in new surroundings! RESCUES are welcome to contact us!

Pics & details in craigslist ads:
Wild Queen Mab
Brown Tabby Girl
Cream Tabby Boy

[ETA: the little calico went to her new home this evening! she's going to be an indoor/outdoor kitty in the country and it seems like she'll be well loved. good luck, lil Ewok!]

The promised video of l'bebe kittehs!


( they need homes & help - can you step in? )

I know I left folks hanging on how the rest of Rachel's visit went, but it was a bit weird (of course) and everything else needs my attention a bit more. I've got pics to go through, still, so there's bound to be more on it before the end of the week.

Right now, though, I'm wanting to put down some of the ponders I've had today on everything going on and what has been good about it. LTDI denial, UI wait, Will's situation, expensive piece of junk in driveway, daily needs threatened...it's a lot to keep in mind all the time, especially since I have to keep working on all of it. No time to forget what's going on, no ability to convince myself otherwise. Which is good. Ignoring, avoiding, and denying challenges and problems just makes things worse.

So, good things. Enumerating them makes everything shine with a different light. This is long, but I'm not going to cut. I apologise but I'm not sorry, if that makes sense. I hope after reading you can understand why I'd choose to go back to that approach for this.

The incandescent souls from Seattle have been such a deep comfort in all of this. There are only a few of you remaining to me, but your love, support, and tough words have kept me on my feet and ready to fight. And I just found out today Cheryl and Jordan are going to come visit some time around X-mas, which sent today's mood on a happy tangent. I miss all of you so, so, so much. Thank you for calling, for being there when I call, for understanding how much I suck at phone, for sharing your lives, for being who you are, for everything that is YOU. One day soon I'll be able to help you, to be more of an active friend, to be less of a scared tree critter peeking out between the leaves ever so often.

My TX peoples, folks who know the tradition of matter-of-fact but gentle handling of this kind of chaos, folks who have little patience for those who give up, people who know what can be accomplished if you just stick to it and understand that I have the same values. Not that this is absent in others! It's just a special flavour, a specific touch, that sends it all home in a way that nothing else can. Texan mind meld. Brilliant LJ minds and the lucky associations I have here in person. That almost-Southern insistence on doing the right thing, taking care of your business...it keeps me moving. I have a family of neighbours, people who rely on me to help them and make me allow others to help me in return. It's a small family but a tight one. They get me through more than I can even begin to explain.

And there are so many people who have given me inspiration, comfort, and direction in states and countries I've never even visited, friends whom I've never seen in person, people who have taken a moment from their own lives to be kind to a virtual stranger. One day, one day, one day - all of you are in that, too. It seems remote sometimes, it might even seem like just words to some of you, but I mean it with all my heart, I mean it and have the lists to prove it ;]

Over the course of every plate crashing to the ground, I've learned that I'm never alone. People can say what they will about the whole world being evil and no good people remaining, but they are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. My heart is restored on a moment by moment basis by other human beings, people who know how hard this world is and will reach out their hand to help. We are never alone. You are never alone. Someone out there will have a hand waiting to help you pull yourself back up. I promise.

My time is limited by responsibility and the heavy workload of recovery, but I am using every spare moment to build a pile of thanks to everyone who has helped to instill this in me. I am looking forward, also, to the months ahead when everything is more settled (it will be, oh, do not doubt it my sweet silver linings, do not doubt it - it will be), a time when these lists of mine will go into play, when I can increase the love and appreciation to the people who have linked their arms and protected me when it seemed nothing ever could and no one ever would.

I know I go on and on about all of you, I know it, but you have to know I have never in my entire life had such an experience of kindness from other people, such an amazing revelation about the world's potential for good through humanity. It is an epiphany building like a symphony and this orchestra of hearts and minds built by all of you is the sweetest and most divine music I have ever heard. The song formed from your selfless love, understanding, and encouragement is the true song of the Universe. It blows my mind that all of you exist and can do the things you do. I didn't know you were out there. It has taken me years to overcome the blindness of my cynicism, the blackout shade of doubt and fear pulled over me by so many evil people and hard circumstances.

To hell with everything else. I can do it. We can all survive more than we think we can if we just keep that choir of friendship reverberating as we battle to correct course and recover from unexpected tumbles. You will be the song in my heart when I walk five miles to fix one more thing. You will be the tune on my lips when I push through the exhaustion of challenge to overcome those obstacles. I'll be drumming the beat of your chorus with every pulse of my heart when I wake up each morning and know - KNOW - I can still fight.

I'll stand by you, you can lean on me, you'll always get a little (++++) help from me, and I will never, ever, ever let you down in anything I have any power at all over. And I'm learning I've got more power over a lot more than I'd been led to believe.

There will be a party, and you're all the guests of honour. That's a promise.

It's time - past time - to really, really, really let go of the damage and move on. All of it. From anyone.

If I'm really going to be a survivor, I've got to leave my arm under that rock and walk away.

Bye, arm.

(couldn't sleep, had to get that out...now I try again)