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sometimes you don't listen to your heart's decisions until it's too late. sometimes it's good, because much trouble is avoided in this way. other times, it spins a sticky web of regret.
listening too closely to your heart, however, can lead to greater mishaps. friendships are lost in this way. employment. existing and potential lovers. even dignity, when one is afflicted with a shame-fueled psychic wince at all times and so behaves as inappropriately as possible in the many attempts to make up for the original discomfort. it can cause an appearance of obsession before you realise your intentions have become garbled (or even misunderstood). worse, it can cause actual obsession after the fact when you realise precisely the trouble created. an internal obsession, but one nonetheless. relentless and taunting. ducking and bowing and trying to disappear quickly to avoid offense until it fades to a memory-induced, clichéd spike through the heart. dignity doesn't survive well in that climate.
the most terrible disaster out of all these outcomes, then, is a combination of all three. that is when an emotional mishap becomes a dismaying cataclysm. the fallout can be on any involved side. the true potential for tragedy or humiliation is most likely each time a new side is created. that's when misunderstanding can veil the truth. stinging egos muffle apologies. self-esteem mumbles while retreating. and, worst of all, grudges are formed. goo-gone works on smudges but does not work on grudges. nor spinning shreds of self-esteem stinking of the screeching spin-out.
avoiding all of this, however, does you no favours. insulating yourself doesn't mean everything will go better. you just get less practiced in the social arts. you become unused to challenges to your self-determination. you over-react when you most want to remain calm. you see a ghost around every corner. you know it's cowardice, but the occasional temptation of spilling secrets and breaking deeper promises seems like a good enough excuse to backpedal in retreat, maintaining just enough distance to do the right thing and disappear as completely as possible.
in between any or all of these, sometimes more often than not, there's the script saying you're over-reacting right now and you're just paranoid and why are you still thinking of things from so long ago and what does it matter, anyway, because you'll never make any of it right nor even shifted in your favour and it's better to let the edge soften until you stick it in your own heart to never forget how dangerous it can be to be involved with it to any extent. the script tells you to move on, as if it never happened and be far more guarded in the future.
good intentions being what they are, you forget the lesson slowly. between memories, dreams, and songs, the temptation to check in on your heart, to allow it to engage, let it echo with past affections...it becomes irrestistible. then it's all fresh again and new possibilities for seductive destruction are begging to be explored. a tug of war between hopefulness and idiocy begins at that moment, no audience to witness the first mighty tugs. the audience only arrives after both have landed irrevocably in the mud, so intertwined as to appear to be one.
ah, the hopeful idiot. walking on fire would be easier. a still less painful learning method is to simply observe and allow the tides and winds to shift as they will, remaining wary of the lightning and sinkholes, exercising patience, allowing the right moment to come when it does and being accepting when it does not. the hopeful idiot sits in the mud, drenched, hands rubbed raw by the rope, yearning to fix it all or make it disappear or go back in time for another try.
good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got....
discovering what you hear when listening to your heart, whether or not you ask it the right questions, whether or not you have enough information to let your heart rule the moment, and occasionally risking it - these make living through the inevitable spike to the heart and stabbing guilt of your own mistakes less likely and allows old pains to fade.
mind you, it also teaches the heart to open up to those who have been through similar agonies, and this is where it becomes most difficult. these present the most difficult challenge faced by the heart, as it may well be warning you but the race of your pulse turns it into harmless white noise. or it may be encouraging you but old doubts on either side undermine the sincerity with cynicism. it's generally whatever will be the most painful result possible. humiliation wasn't mentioned lightly.
the most important thing i've learned is telling your heart something will work as well as what it requested won't fool it, especially when it comes to a true desire thwarted. you will battle it every time you are presented with a point of comparison or exposure. even if your desire can never be gained or shared and you've always known this, attempting this crime against the heart means lengthy and miserable prosecution from every corner, usually with frequent reminders and opportunities for free-ranging guilt. better to leave poison alone and allow the heart to heal around the void. empty spaces can be filled, after all. dead is dead.
'tis better to have loved and lost/than to have never loved at all
listening too closely to your heart, however, can lead to greater mishaps. friendships are lost in this way. employment. existing and potential lovers. even dignity, when one is afflicted with a shame-fueled psychic wince at all times and so behaves as inappropriately as possible in the many attempts to make up for the original discomfort. it can cause an appearance of obsession before you realise your intentions have become garbled (or even misunderstood). worse, it can cause actual obsession after the fact when you realise precisely the trouble created. an internal obsession, but one nonetheless. relentless and taunting. ducking and bowing and trying to disappear quickly to avoid offense until it fades to a memory-induced, clichéd spike through the heart. dignity doesn't survive well in that climate.
the most terrible disaster out of all these outcomes, then, is a combination of all three. that is when an emotional mishap becomes a dismaying cataclysm. the fallout can be on any involved side. the true potential for tragedy or humiliation is most likely each time a new side is created. that's when misunderstanding can veil the truth. stinging egos muffle apologies. self-esteem mumbles while retreating. and, worst of all, grudges are formed. goo-gone works on smudges but does not work on grudges. nor spinning shreds of self-esteem stinking of the screeching spin-out.
avoiding all of this, however, does you no favours. insulating yourself doesn't mean everything will go better. you just get less practiced in the social arts. you become unused to challenges to your self-determination. you over-react when you most want to remain calm. you see a ghost around every corner. you know it's cowardice, but the occasional temptation of spilling secrets and breaking deeper promises seems like a good enough excuse to backpedal in retreat, maintaining just enough distance to do the right thing and disappear as completely as possible.
in between any or all of these, sometimes more often than not, there's the script saying you're over-reacting right now and you're just paranoid and why are you still thinking of things from so long ago and what does it matter, anyway, because you'll never make any of it right nor even shifted in your favour and it's better to let the edge soften until you stick it in your own heart to never forget how dangerous it can be to be involved with it to any extent. the script tells you to move on, as if it never happened and be far more guarded in the future.
good intentions being what they are, you forget the lesson slowly. between memories, dreams, and songs, the temptation to check in on your heart, to allow it to engage, let it echo with past affections...it becomes irrestistible. then it's all fresh again and new possibilities for seductive destruction are begging to be explored. a tug of war between hopefulness and idiocy begins at that moment, no audience to witness the first mighty tugs. the audience only arrives after both have landed irrevocably in the mud, so intertwined as to appear to be one.
ah, the hopeful idiot. walking on fire would be easier. a still less painful learning method is to simply observe and allow the tides and winds to shift as they will, remaining wary of the lightning and sinkholes, exercising patience, allowing the right moment to come when it does and being accepting when it does not. the hopeful idiot sits in the mud, drenched, hands rubbed raw by the rope, yearning to fix it all or make it disappear or go back in time for another try.
good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got....
discovering what you hear when listening to your heart, whether or not you ask it the right questions, whether or not you have enough information to let your heart rule the moment, and occasionally risking it - these make living through the inevitable spike to the heart and stabbing guilt of your own mistakes less likely and allows old pains to fade.
mind you, it also teaches the heart to open up to those who have been through similar agonies, and this is where it becomes most difficult. these present the most difficult challenge faced by the heart, as it may well be warning you but the race of your pulse turns it into harmless white noise. or it may be encouraging you but old doubts on either side undermine the sincerity with cynicism. it's generally whatever will be the most painful result possible. humiliation wasn't mentioned lightly.
the most important thing i've learned is telling your heart something will work as well as what it requested won't fool it, especially when it comes to a true desire thwarted. you will battle it every time you are presented with a point of comparison or exposure. even if your desire can never be gained or shared and you've always known this, attempting this crime against the heart means lengthy and miserable prosecution from every corner, usually with frequent reminders and opportunities for free-ranging guilt. better to leave poison alone and allow the heart to heal around the void. empty spaces can be filled, after all. dead is dead.
'tis better to have loved and lost/than to have never loved at all